There are days I shed my tears for what I didn’t do.
There are days I wish I couldn’t see, hear, and read.
There are days I wonder what is going on in people’s mind when they could hurt people that easily since they actually did it.
There are days I detach myself from the chaotic exterior where people destroy everything, even their fellow creatures.
There are days I realize I myself a human being involved in the mess created by the human race.
There are days that make me question myself whether I want to actually live in this world since it disgusts me and I disgust it.
I see shits happen and do nothing about it. All I can do is complaining.
I hate cranky people who complain.
Basically, I hate myself.
So my self-hate problem has escalated to another level. I used to feel insecure about how I look, how incompetent I am, how I could never be like my friends, how myself not qualified enough for what I got. But now, when I relate myself to the outside world, the situation gets worse. I feel invisible, unworthy instead of perceiving myself as “not enough”-which means I still got something to offer like before.
I now know “what” am I.
That explains all the ignorance I got when my voice was too “small” and they were thinking of something else. Clearly, whatever in their brain was more interesting than what I said since I was nothing to them.
It also explains the fact that no matter how hard I try, I still cannot have others’ recognition as a ghost cannot leave a footprint on the seashore.
I am small and alone. People say things like “two is better than one”, “together we are an ocean.” But how can I find that person to be “two” or “together” since no one bothers listening to what I say. No one gives admission for a ghost to their houses. What they do to a ghost is running away from it or ignoring it.
They say “keep trying”. But I’m tired. How about just me? Why it’s not enough?
I know I am asking too much. I know I don’t deserve acceptance from anyone.
The world doesn’t want me
I hate the world
Should I continue living?