People always say: “Be the change you want to see”, which, to the way I interpret, is that if you want people treat you differently, you should first start to treat them differently. Because, to some extends, the way people treat you reflects your attitude to them.
I listened. I changed. I tried to be the change.
So what exactly do I want to see?
I want people to notice to me.
I want people to listen to me.
I want people to comfort me.
I want people to appreciate me.
I want people to stop taking me for granted and start to include me in their lives.
But am I asking for too much? What did I try to do to deserve all of that? Was my attempt enough?
The more I tried to be available for everyone, the more I was taken for granted.
The more I tried to help, the more useless I deemed to be.
The more I tried to show people I how appreciated them, the more dramatic and cheesy I looked.
Then how much is enough?
I have no clue.
No fucking clue.
As the lights are off and darkness fills the atmosphere, I feel so empty, lonely and helpless. I feel being left out. I want to talk. To anybody. Just a short decent conversation would be good. Just that. But with who? No one stays up this late. And if they do, they are probably doing something much more entertaining than listening to me rant.
I am probably just acting dramatically.
I should get rid of my problems by my own.
I am seeking for attention.
I am being selfish.
Poverty, war, sexism, racism. Those are the things I should be concerned of.
I should stop starting the sentences with “I”, stop being self-centered and think for others.
People have their own lives in which I have no role.
Deal with it.